There’s no avoiding it. You’re bound to come across someone who’s difficult to deal with. It’s inevitable as soon as you add different personalities, experiences, and backgrounds to the mix. They may be someone we report to or someone who reports to us. Or they may be a peer, a vendor, or a client. The bottom line is that it’s going to happen and generally can’t be avoided. If we are to be effective as a leader, we must become good at is dealing with those difficult people.
Whoever they are, they usually cause anxiety, frustration, concern, and/or anger in us. The irony is that when we become anxious, frustrated, concerned or angry, we ourselves, can become difficult to deal with. Consequently, it is imperative that we become adept at dealing with them. Occasionally we can avoid the person altogether, but more often than not, it’s a relationship we have to address.
One course of action is simply to tolerate the other person. This course of action (or more accurately, inaction) is one which avoids confrontation and maintains the status quo. Productivity remains consistent and there’s no risk of workplace “drama”. Unfortunately, by not dealing with the situation, you end up perpetuating a number of counterproductive dynamics. You end up expending valuable energy by “tolerating” an unsatisfactory situation. It affects your attitude, your thoughts, and your productivity. Additionally, in your attempt to shield or isolate yourself from this person, they end up feeling neglected and unappreciated. When that happens, they tend to “check out”, becoming complacent and apathetic – simply going through the motions at work. It’s not a very friuitful course of action.
There’s one other negative dynamic that exists when we tolerate a difficult person. Although it may feel like the issue is between the two of you, in fact, a difficult person affects your entire team. When you allow a difficult person to persist, it reflects on your leadership style and your values. This, in turn, negatively impacts your ability to lead effectively. Additionally, the age-old adage holds true, “One bad apple spoils the barrel,” as will be evidenced by the people who’ll come forth voicing their relief once the difficult person is gone.
Another course of action might be to reflect on our own behaviors and attitudes, and decide to change ourselves. While this occasionally may be appropriate, generally it’s not. (A good test is to observe whether there are many “difficult” people on your team.) In fact, our initial reaction to this course of action might be, “Why should I be the one to change? It’s clear the other person is the one with the problem.” Not only would that be valid, but it sheds some light on how to handle the situation, because if our thought is to ask the other person to change, their reaction would most likely be the same. “Why should I be the one to change?” This of course poses a problem because in fact, that person generally IS the problem.
The answer to this dilemma is to have an honest and transparent conversation with the person. As a leader, we have the opportunity and an obligation to develop people and help them grow. We need to be compassionate, yet strong. We need to be empathetic, yet work change their perspective. We accomplish this by acknowledging the situation and by asking good questions. This course of action helps us understand their perspectives and motivations. By doing this, not only can you positively impact their enjoyment of and satisfaction with their work, but you’ll help them to be more effective and productive. If nothing else, you’ll help them gain clarity about themselves and then help them (in a positive way) move on to another opportunity which better suits their skills and their perspectives.
Mastering the ability to effectively deal with difficult people will enhance your leadership effectiveness and enrich the lives of the people around you.
“Why should I be the one to change?”
yes . I question this of me very mach. I use of your wrote but when we are week how do us? thankes
Thanks for your question, Nasrin.
In a conflict, many times neither side wants to give in or change. The key to resolving things is for both people to change their perspectives. In that way, each person gets to understand WHY the other person feels the way they do, and then each person can make a shift.
Hope that helps a little!
This could not have come at a better time for me.
I have Been working in a substitute teacher position and find the assistant in the class speaks to the children in a manner which I find annoying and unnecessary as she blames them for things.
I came home thinking that I can perhaps tolerate it for another couple of weeks then I leave, but am not happy to do as the children do not deserve it. I am wuite temse about it all and have had a week off on holiday last week hoping that she may have had a good holiday and that she is more rleaxed too but it was the same as before the holiday.
What annoys me about it, is that I seem to be one of the few people in teaching who will actually say something so as to protect the children whereas others will avoid it at all costs for their own personal reasons.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t care and it would be easier for me personally, but professionally I have a duty to children and their wellbeing. I have taken on board that she has some stresses in her life personslly but feel there is no excuse for children being exposed to that no matter what is hapening for the adults.
Hope this makes sense. I will talk about it with her and I truly believe she will be very surprised. My problem is that the consequences may not be what I really want and that the manner in which she speaks with them will remain the same. Old habits die hard.
Hi Nicole,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I agree with you that we need to be especially careful with children.
I know what you are considering is risky, and I admire you for it.
It is possible that she does not realize the negative effect she has on the children and you may help shed light on that. I would find it hard to believe that a teacher doesn’t care about her children, so my feeling is that she just isn’t aware of what she is doing.
Please let me know what happens and let me know if I can offer you any additional advice.
Michael
It is good to adopt the advice provided in the last para of yours but can be suitable only for subordinates. It is certainly difficult to deal with the one whom you report. Because usually he is the problem and not willing to accept that it is so.
RSS, I understand what you’re saying, but don’t fully agree. Sometimes, by understanding why they act the way they do, we can get a better appreciation for why they what they do, and sometimes, when we bring an issue to someone, it helps them realize just how they are perceived by others. Often we act out of habit and aren’t fully aware of our actions.
I agree that the other person has a problem. I find a lot of issues go back to childhood. Unless the root cause of the difficult person is addressed and when it started, progress cannot be made. Some people lash out at others just to protect themselves from being hurt from people around them.
I completely agree, Evelyn, that most of our issues arise from childhood experiences. And I feel that releasing the hold those issue have over us is critical to moving ahead. Often the best way to let issues go is to have light shed on them, which is what understanding someone can do for you and them.
I appreciate this situation and your summation. I have always found that getting to know the difficult person better to understand their personality and motivations really helps; and, to not take their behaviors personally. It is not usually about you, but about them. By getting to know them better, perhaps it will afford you the opportunity to help them grow and learn new behaviors. Sometimes their position is not a good fit and if moved to another role where they do not ineract as much may help. If not, at least it helps you to manage them out of the workplace and on to another place where they may have more success.
Nicely put, Sheryl. I especially like your observation that their behavior is usually about them and that we shouldn’t take it personally.
A great book that addresses that is, “The Four Agreements” It’s a bit “New Age-y”, but spot on when it comes to communication and freeing ourselves from old false beliefs and issues.
Michael –
Saying nothing is mostly what is done in our office because it is the President who is the very difficult person. Moreover, very miserable and angry all the time.
Honest and transparent works for a day and then returns to misery like the grove in his frowning forehead.
It is like managing the manager as if they were a child that throws temper tantrums.
The only healthy positive solution I have come up with is to stay transparent and communicative while continuing to do the best work I can. The blog you shared concurs. Thank you for your thoughts.
Catherine
A difficult situation, Catherine.
On a side note, I’ve also wondered why people choose to stay in a situation like that. If there is no consequence to bad behavior, then there is no reason to change.
Dear Michael beck
must admit your skill of analyzing and deducing and strategy sing the problem. This article is like the nip in the bud. have not forgo ton the memorable 1 hr discussion with you , which was an eye opener to me . where in you had asked , do i have any financial plan for my business, i took that as the first goal post and have been devising the financial plan since then and effectively implementing that , just a step away from great success, the credit goes completely to you , + this article is the solution.
love + salutations
shelly dang
Thank you so much, Shelly.
But in truth, the credit goes to you for taking action.
Keep me posted on your progress!
Michael
IME People are different not ”difficult”. Each individual acts/ behaves/opines/ reacts/ responds in a particular way for a particular reason. There is an expectation vs reality gap in the interpersonal relation. This causes us to believe that the individual is difficult. If we really analyze correctly, the individual is behaving differently from what was expected.
Calling an individual ”difficult” is labeling and the situation becomes more complex since we have now ”judged and concluded” that the individual is ”difficult”.
Control driven Leadership stimulates individuals to come out as ” difficult”.
In my experience when implementing Change this is a common occurrence since resistance is the first signal in the change process.
The methods suggested in the last para are good and multiple conversations would be required to resolve the issue.
Hi Santosh,
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I agree that behaviors other than ones we expect can be difficult, but I feel there is a distinction between someone who has an opposing view and someone who is “difficult”. Other viewpoints are critical for good decision-making and should be welcome. In my opinion, someone is difficult when they become unreasonable, overly argumentative, or go on the attack.
And as you’ve pointed out, the suggestions in the last paragraph are the best strategies.
Michael
I love you Sir, and i love your site………..
Thank you, Aryana.